Tag Archives: Alex Skarsgard

The 9-5 encroaches on the dream

For those of you who’ve followed us since the beginning you’ll remember that our reasons for leaving the UK were numerous. We wrote these reasons on post-its and stuck them on the wall of our bedroom in south east London before we decided to up stix and get the hell out of dodge. The reasons included: spend more time with Alula, be healthy, swim everyday, no commute, no working 9-5 ever again, live a 4 hour work week and of course, HOT SUN.

Hence Bali. Hence the fact that can we live here turned into, hell yes we can live here and then into oh, look we are living here (I just didn’t want to buy all those different URLs).

We’re lucky, I managed to get a really good book deal whilst we were still travelling and John being the super talented designer that he is hustled his butt off in Singapore, set up his own company and has not stopped working since. We both work pretty much full time (so much for the ‘work a four hour week’ post-it – but we both love our jobs so that’s cool) and admittedly I work beside the pool a lot. And I can stop to watch episodes of Buffy and / or decide that I need a three week break by the sea to recharge my brain whenever I like. We’re lucky and we’re oh so grateful for the way life has panned out.

Up until now John’s been spending about 2 days a week in Singapore but now he’s been offered a job at probably the best design company in the world.  A permanent job that is.

Excuse me whilst I tear up the post-its which said ‘no 9-5’ and ‘no commute.’

Now to me, the idea of ever working again for anyone else sends me into such a panic that my throat closes over in much the same way it does when someone with a peanut allergy eats a snickers bar.

Recently I did my birth chart and discovered that I should never, ever work for anyone because ‘I don’t respond well to being managed.’

If only I’d known that ten years ago. Could have saved a lot of my ex bosses a lot of heartache and stress.

But no point looking back. And thank God I’ve discovered a way of working that doesn’t involve a boss. I mean I have an editor but it doesn’t feel like she’s my boss. It feels like she’s Willy Wonka and she’s giving me the keys to the chocolate factory of my dreams (no oompah loompahs on my factory line, only clones of Alex Skarsgard naked swimming in the chocolate lake…sorry I digress).

Anyway for John this role is like gold dust. It’s a career high, a once in a lifetime offer that will really open doors– potentially to places we might want to move at some point (sagittarius remember?).  But as I write this my bottom lip is sliding up and out. I’m pouting I realize, in a way that even Alula would be envious of.

We’ve come this far just to slip back into a similar routine to the one we had in London only replacing Starbucks with coconuts and south eastern trains with Air Asia. And replacing the child minder with well, um, me. Hang on. This doesn’t feel right.

Ok, so the childcare thing isn’t so bad, especially as Kadek is there to make pancakes. We can hang out at the pool as opposed to Croydon Rec, and there’s no waiting around for trains at London Bridge panicking at whether I’ll make it back in time to pick Alula up. But what does this mean for us if John takes the job?

What does it mean for our relationship? For my sanity as a part time single mother? For Alula? What does it mean for our dream? We haven’t compromised on anything thus far, other than not living in the same time zone as fashion, I’m not sure I want to start now.

I’m officially official

So here it is. My official website people, courtesy of my lovely husband. It’s still in beta but I’m just too excited to wait (wait? what’s that?) and had to share it with you all.

Please spend time perusing the fantasy cast list. I spent many hundreds of hours living this fantasy. It’s only fair that I should share it with you. Though boys (are there any boys out there reading this?) you might find it less interesting. I did throw you one bone in the shape of that blonde chick from Gossip Girl. But girls, don’t worry, she doesn’t get the man.

I got my first review on goodreads as well. From a bookseller at Waterstones no less. And it was five stars. And I didn’t have to pay her. Thank you Thank you.

On another note, my book launch is on August 4th in London so if any of you lovely blog readers want an invite just let me know. Would love to see you / meet you / share a glass of wine with you.

 

 

 

What if…

As you know John, Alula and I left the UK in January 2010. We were looking for a new home – somewhere hot, less stressful,  somewhere with a creative, entrepreneurial vibe, somewhere with good schools and good people. And we found Bali and it’s our version of perfect living (back then I hadn’t even anticipated the full time cleaner / cook thing). For the moment anyway.

Anyway in the summer of 2009 just after we’d decided to head off on our round the globe mission and were trying to figure out how to pay for it all, I was in melt down. What would I do? How would I make money? I mean, I had no discernable skills in life whatsoever other than being a pro at buying shoes on ebay and having a withering look that could shrivel people in a matter of seconds.

Swimming one day I had a conversation with myself that went like this:

Who’s rich? Let’s see. The queen. Hate her. Err, Stephanie Meyer she’s rich. She’s like a millionaire and all for writing about vampires. Ok, I can so do that. Now think about it think about it. What could I write about? Nothing about vampires. Cliché.  Yeah, so what if there was  a girl and her name was – um – Lila and then there was a boy. Let’s call him Alex, after Alex Skarsgard – yes Alex is a good name and he’ll be the opposite of Edward Cullen – so not a vampire, not moody or angsty and he won’t have quiffy hair and / or be a mindreader. And then I started saying what if… and then about 5 lengths later I had the outline for my story.

I got home, started plotting, started writing. Four months later I had my first book written.

Then we headed off to India and the day before we went I sent the manuscript to agents.

By the time we left India I had an agent.

By the time we left Bali I had a two book deal with a publisher – the brilliant and globally massive Simon & Schuster.

I went from being a Head of Projects in a not for profit in London where the only thing I ever wrote was creative fiction of the fundraising kind to being a like PAID author.

Heehehehehehehe (sorry still have to giggle at all this occasionally).

When we got to the States (by which point I’d written the sequel to Hunting Lila – as it’s now been titled) I decided to start a new book – a whole new series with new characters altogether. I finished it about three weeks ago.

And then yesterday I got an offer for that book too (hence the shopping for a breakfast bowl). This means – and I’m still having to process – that I’ll have three books out within about 9 months of each other next year. Two young adult book series, both with an amazing publishing house, alongside some of the best young adult writers out there – other writers I love like Scott Westerfield and Neal Shusterman.

Heheheeheheheehee.

I read the offer email to John. And John looks at me shaking his head and he says, ‘the universe really does give you whatever you want.’ Or something along those lines. And I am thinking to myself well it’s not giving me Gisele’s body, Scarjo’s face and Oprah’s wallet, but hey I’m not complaining.

But he has a point. I do think I’m the luckiest person alive right now. And I had said to John on Monday ‘I’m going to get an offer for my book on Thursday or Friday’ and whaddya know? I did. Ok, ok, Susan Miller kind of indicated it too and she is the oracle.

And I’ve been reflecting on this. Because what I think it is that I’ve always made it clear what I want. I say it out loud at every opportunity – to John, to my friends, to complete strangers. I don’t just say ‘what if’ anymore. I say, WHEN.

That’s all very well you might say, I’m going to start telling every and any person I come across that I’m going to be the next Nobel Prize winning physicist but that sure as hell isn’t going to happen. (It sure as hell isn’t going to happen to me because it took me five goes just to spell it).

No but if you believe it, if you genuinely believe that it will happen, not just think ‘that would be nice’, then I think it does.

You just need to stop saying what if and start saying When.

Or maybe it’s just me and I really am the luckiest person in the world.

Learning to say no

This week I said yes to a lot of things.

On Thursday I took part in a Goddess ceremony.

It told me I needed to do a past life regression. (I haven’t said yes to that yet).

On Saturday I wore a black tutu and went ecastatic dancing in a rice paddy.  There were a few people who looked like Jesus. Some guy climbing a pole summoning the gyrating, screaming yoga girls before him with the circular thrust of his hips. Someone wearing a ripped jumpsuit with buffalo fur kneecaps and someone in a tutu looking like a young Madonna. That last one was me. I needed a disguise after the last blog post I did about ecstatic dancing got made public on the ecstatic dance page for Bali.

Unfortunately this time there was no Rambert Ballet style posturing. No orgasmic screaming. No waistcoats over bare chests. No pillow talk with god. It was disappointing. We skipped out before the end – before the sitting in a circle holding hands and sending love to the universe part.

This week I also said yes to letting an ankle biting Bali dog stay for a few hours. The hours turned into three days. This has taught me that Bali dogs are vile (please if you want to argue with me on this – just don’t. JUST DON’T. Go back to writing cheques for BAWA). And b) that I’m obviously losing my touch for letting people know what I think.

What am I talking about?  I always let people know what I think. Well, I let you lot know. I don’t actually let the people I’m talking about know, I’m too busy blogging about them.

Maybe that’s the problem.

So this week I feel I’ve said yes too much. It’s affecting my sanity. So tomorrow my resolution for the week ahead is to say no. Unless it’s to raw passion fruit pie, watching mad men season 4, Alex Skarsgard or having a massage.

In which case yes, yes, YES, yes.

Vampires, shapeshifters, threesomes, snogging…

I am standing in the middle of a traffic island in rush hour traffic at the junction of St Martin’s lane and Long Acre. And I’m having an in depth quite serious conversation whilst people in suits rush past as though the end of the world is nigh. The conversation goes something like this:

But do you think teenage love triangles are a bit you know clichéd nowadays? You know – Edward Bella Jacob – Katniss Gale PeetaDamon and those other two other annoying ones (admittedly here I’m thinking of the tv show and not the books)?

And so what if the shapeshifter is actually… and the girl ends up having to kill him? And yes of course he’s hot. He’s like Edward Cullen crossed with Damon crossed with Eric Northman then timesed by a billion.

And I was thinking when the Hunters come after them… and the one with the tail goes all nutso and he has to choose who to save…(it’s so like Sophie’s choice it’s not true) and I have the most awesome first kiss scene written. It’s very, very hot. Well at least as hot as is allowed for young adult fiction (and here I wonder whether erotic fiction might actually be my talent).

And then we start debating the merits of first person narrative over third person. And at that point I look around me at the swamping crowds and realize that I do in fact have the most ridiculously amazing job in the world. (Actually can I really call it a job when all I do is actually make crazy stuff up and write it down?)

And on the tube on the way home with all these suited city types (and if you’ve followed me for a while you’ll remember my hooker-esque feelings upon leaving London regarding men in suits) I find myself delighting in the fact I have a way of making money (cos really I feel uncomfortable calling it a job) that allows me to frequent Gay bars and read trashy fiction for ahum research purposes and look up male models for ahum research purposes and then stand on street corners discussing the merits of vampires over demon slayers in a completely non-ironic way with someone who actually makes very lucrative deals with big publishing houses on just this very thing.

Life has taken a very surreal turn. And I must say I’m liking it exceedingly much.

I am a writer. It’s official. And that’s way more fun than working in the voluntary sector.

I caught a taxi over London Bridge on Thursday and went right past my old office. It was like a regression – like remembering a past life (in this case not the kind where you discover you were Cleopatra with grape-feeding slaves but the kind where you find out you were the grape-feeding slave). And the grin almost tore my cheeks in two.

I still pinch myself regularly trying to believe that this is my life now. No more 9-5, no more commute, no more tube. No more going to meetings in heels to make myself look grown up and pretending like I knew what I was talking about and going cross eyed as civil servants pronounced on riveting stuff like digital inclusion. No more having to performance review people or fire them (though I have to say I do miss that last one). I recently re-read a post I did four days before resigning and it made me cringe at all the lost hours I’d spent at tossery events called unconferences.  But it also made me proud of the old me for having the guts to leave (both the unconferences and head to the pub and to actually leave my job and the UK). I’m the poorest I’ve  ever been but also the happiest.

Earlier in the day I had been to Simon & Schuster with my agent to meet my publisher. I hadn’t given it much thought other than slapping on a pair of heels and some lipstick in an effort to look professional (it’s been a while and even back in the day it was quite a task – my feet are still in shock). So when I walked into the room and saw the champagne on the table and the eight glasses I wondered if I was interrupting something – some important meeting. I even thought to myself ‘oooh what a fabulous job publishing must be – you can sit and read books all day whilst drinking pink champagne, maybe I shouldn’t be so hasty about moving to Bali, there is no champagne there afterall and books are squeamishly expensive’ until I realized the champagne was for me. And a whole lovely roomful of people appeared to say hello (and did I mention they were all extremely LOVELY and also extremely stylish, witty, fun and brilliantly intelligent along with that?). Then they gave me a pile of books and my happiness was all complete. It was like supermarket sweep, only with bookshelves and no Dale Winton. It was about as exciting as getting a book deal in itself. Free books! And champagne!

Before that I’d been to my agent’s office and seen the towering pile of submission manuscripts on the desk and it made me realize how big the odds are to make it to a room with pink champagne.

And somehow, with the help of Alex Skarsgard and an overactive imagination I made it. For that I am grateful.

Ps. My husband helped too. For that I am grateful!

pps. I suppose what I mean to say in this post is something that I saw written on a park bench yesterday and which I saw as a sign (I’m seeing signs everywhere – I’m like M. Night Shyamalan). It said:

He who seeks dreams will dance into tomorrow, igniting passions and capturing hearts.

Seek dreams people.

The scales are slowly tipping

I’m not sure if you’ve seen Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (possibly the best children’s film to be made in decades) but there’s a great scene in it when this fat bloke takes on some man-size roasted chickens and he ends up looking like this…

Well that’s what I wanted to do with my roasted chicken to the check out woman at Vons, Montecito.

Do I have ID?

I’m ambivalent to this question. Half of me is flattered that someone out there still  thinks I look younger than 21. Half of me is just plain angry that someone is making me root through my bag for my drivers’ license which I’ve gotten used to carrying everywhere because at some point the highway patrol is so going to nab my arse but which is always hidden, crumpled at the bottom of my bag. Anyway I show the Vons lady my UK drivers’ license and she looks at it. Then says, ‘No, sorry. It has to  be a US one.’

I stare at her and that’s when I imagine the chicken scene. I eye the chicken in my trolley and sigh and say to her, ‘And even though it says I’m 32 right there, next to the picture of me. And my four year old daughter is in front of you and I’m shopping in Montecito buying a weeks’ worth of groceries and I’m wondering how many 20 year olds you get in here doing that, and I bought a bottle just yesterday and your manager served me no questions, you’re still not going to let me buy this wine?’

‘No.’

Chicken image again. I got in the car with my alcohol free shopping and realized that whilst I love California – namely the sunshine, the beaches, the light, the wine (when I can get it), the smiles (except at Disneyland), the shopping, yogurtland, thriftstores, the fact that I’m currently living in the same state as Alex Skarsgard…there’s a few things stacking up on my not so fond of list.

  1. Needing my passport not just to clear immigration but also to buy wine even though I am 10 years over the limit and clearly look like I could use it.
  2. Having to stop at stop signs.
  3. Having to give right of way to pedestrians.
  4. Having to pump my own gas. Admittedly this is the case in most of the rest of the world. But not in Bali – land of the perpetually lazy ex-pat.

3 massages

Jack Bauer style

The alarm bells should have started to ring when he straddled me. It wasn’t sexual, don’t get me wrong. It was more like he was getting ready to carve a particularly large parma ham.

And it hurt. This man knew pain. He was on first name terms with it. There was a point where I actually thought I was going to dig my own fingernails right through my palms until they came out the other side. There was even a second when I wished he would just get out the meat slicer and finish me off.

Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I say ‘Excuse me I don’t think finger joints bend THAT way? Maybe you need to go back to your anatomy textbook and turn it the right way up?’ Why didn’t I leap off the massage table naked and holler at him when he stuck his elbow joint into the place on my hip where three years of mangled nerves meet and where I’d told him specifically in both signs and simple English to not go near? You want to know why? Two reasons. Because I’m English and I don’t know how to complain in any way other than under my breath, in the medium of a blog or behind a back. And never, ever, in a million years to someone’s face unless of course they serve me bad food or they are my husband. In which case I know how to complain in such a way that the police get called (that was with food – John hasn’t yet called the police on me).

But why else didn’t I complain to the man trying to tear the muscle off my bones with his bare hands so he could hang it out to make biltong?

Because he’d been trained by a master. And I didn’t want to offend him. How English is that?

Now I know that when they said he’d been trained by a master they meant that he’d spent the last year watching all 7 box-sets of 24. Jack Bauer was his master. He even talked all breathless.

Yakult style

I can hear John groan and am hoping that I made it clear that our double massage was to include no happy finish. I peek over. It’s ok. He’s groaning because the woman has just slapped some yogurt, straight from the fridge onto his chest and is now slathering it in great lobbing handfuls over his body. I realise he’s not groaning. He’s yelping.

My laughter gets cut off when my lady pours half a litre of Rachel’s Organic over my boobs. Seriously. Are you kidding? But guess what people? I don’t say anything. I don’t question the wisdom of the friendly bacteria body mask. I stifle the yelps and just obey when they tell me to get up, inching gingerly off the table, and walking like a cowboy to stop it sliding into places it should only go when you have thrush. I follow their directions to the bath. Filled not with the milk of asps but with tepid water. Mmmm lovely.

Another one chalked down to experience.

Hollywood style

Massage Ubud Wayan (as she is known in my phone so as not to get her confused with English speaking taxi Wayan, non English speaking taxi Wayan and cleaning Wayan) is recommended to me by the person who trained her.

She comes to my house (bonus points), she charges half the price of the other masseurs in town (more bonus points), she doesn’t use yogurt, she doesn’t straddle me and she understands enough English that when I say ‘please don’t touch my herniated discs’ she doesn’t touch them. This is progress I think.

The person who trained her runs a massage company. In Hollywood. For film stars. His masseurs work 24/7 on film sets massaging the talent. I so am in the wrong business. I want to be talent. I want massage ubud Wayan to massage me 24/7.

My massage takes place in a room overlooking the rice paddies. But I don’t notice because I’m drifting between two realms. One is pleasure and the other one is the same place I go to when I watch True Blood and pause on the bits with Eric in them.

When she finishes there is a pool of drool underneath the massage table. I don’t smell like a fruit corner and I don’t have crescent shaped cavities in my palms.

I think I’ve found a keeper.

Sarah (or the Bottle of Cif)

I am lying in my sickbed dying of consumption. Or that’s what it feels like. I saw Bright Star yesterday and I think John Keats had nothing on this. Ok, there’s not blood. Yet. But I lean up to hack up sputum and then collapse backwards onto the bed one arm flung out. I just need a billowing white shirt and my consumptive look would be complete. This blogpost is my ode to a nightingale. Ode on an Indian Urn.

Then Alula comes in, climbs on the bed, pokes me in the boob and says ‘mummy your boobies are getting smaller.’ Because what I need when I feel this ill is a small truth-telling child analysing my anatomy.

In my fever(ish) state I start imagining things. For some reason I start imagining that I have a bedside table. It can’t be Alex Skarsgard. It has to be a bedside table. This fever sucks. I want my money back. I start to imagine a beside lamp. Not this fluorescent one that burns my eyeballs and that cuts out so much that Alula now doesn’t even notice just keeps on talking about my small boobs whilst we sit in the pitch dark. I long for these things. I long for them more than Keats longed for Fanny Brawne.

It’s when you’re ill that you miss the luxuries. A bath, a dimmer light, sheets that are crisp and cool and sand-free, a bedside table on which to pile drugs, a tv remote that renders me one push away from Fizz and Molly and Steve and Becky, carpet, hot water, running water I can drink from the tap, a pair of pants that isn’t one of the five, a bra that fits. For god’s sake I’m not even talking luxuries anymore. I’m talking basics.

But mostly I want drawers. And cupboards. I’m not sure why but I find myself agonising over the fact I have no drawers. I miss my laundry cupboard stocked with clean towels and linen. I don’t miss having to make them clean myself though. I miss my wardrobe. I am sick of rooting on the floor and the chairs for clothes. Clothes that have sand ingrained into every stitch. I miss my under the sink cupboard stocked with cif and bleach and things I have forgotten the names of. I miss clean.

My decaying lungs are like the metaphor for how dirty I am. Beat that Keats. I am dirty. Not in that way. I mean filthy. Not in that way. I mean sand, dirt, grease, sweat, filth. It’s everywhere. You sweep it and it comes back meaner, harder, like John McLane. You breathe it in every breath – dust, sand, fumes, pollution. You walk in it – dogshit, cowshit, cockroach shit. You eat it too some of the time (bad, bad food is to be had here more often than you think). It feels like I’d need ten colonics and fifty hours in a Turkish bath with a loofah and an industrial bottle of cif before I ever get clean again. I could put my drying pants inside the house to achieve the Turkish Bath but there is no loofah. There is no cif.

There is no clean in India. So I’m dying of consumption.

Done the tattoo parlour. Next stop a wax.

I just had a bikini wax. It involved a butter knife, wax so hot I assume they climbed the nearest volcano and dipped their wax tub in a flowing lava bed to warm it up and two women. All behind a shower curtain.  You want to hear about the rest of my day?

I staggered like a drunk who’s just popped 10 vicodin out of bed at 10.45 this morning. I’m getting better. Yesterday was early afternoon. Day before that late afternoon.  I hopped in a rickshaw, the driver didn’t have a clue where anything was – Mt. Mary’s steps – no. John Baptist Road? – no. Domino’s Pizza (running out of landmarks) -no. It became clear they don’t do the Knowledge in India. Eventually we made it. I thought about asking for a discount for the time he spent getting lost then realised that wrangling over 3p was ungenerous of me.

Then I was piled in another rickshaw, sandwiched between two people I’ve just met who work for Ashoka. When you’re sandwiched in a rickshaw it’s like being the spam in a sandwich where you have taken both palms and flattened the bread down. But in this instance it’s actually quite comforting because it’s like having air bags on both sides.  I love the way they drive. It’s insane. I used to think that if you learnt to drive in South East London you could drive anywhere – including Baghdad but now I’m rethinking that. I wouldn’t drive in Mumbai if you told me that Alex Skarsgard and Javier Bardem were going to be at the end of the road waiting for me. Or a pot of gold. No way. It’s mental. The rules seem to be thus:

-          There is no side to drive on – you drive on whichever the hell side of the road you like

-          If you are a rickshaw driver you OWN the road

-          You have to beep your horn the entire journey or you lose

-           There’s a point system for how many pedestrians you can mow down and the winner gets dinner for two at the Taj

Yet for all the craziness there’s no road rage. If this was London and people were cutting you up, overtaking on the inside, bumping into pedestrians and beeping at you for not running a red there would be blood. The rage would be apoplectic and dangerous and deadly. But here, not so much as a middle finger or a snarl. Just head waggles. I love that.

I was taken to a restaurant that’s like the Indian version of Wimpy. Or the BHS cafe my mum used to take me to when I was a kid. And we chatted about evaluation.  I’ve been in Mumbai 48 hours and I’m sitting discussing monitoring and evaluation and youth led social action. That’s me. Dedicated to the cause.

After lunch I go to the waxing place. After that  I wish I had popped 10 vicodin.