I just went next door to buy tomatoes. As I’m queuing to pay I see someone I know vaguely and ask how he is. He says ‘Yeah, not so good. I just had a vasectomy.’
I blink. And clutch my tomatoes tighter. I feel a little uncomfortable. I expected a ‘fine’. I smile and nod in what I hope is a sympathetic way. Then he tells me that he’s telling all his guy friends not to do it because ‘it throws the body out.’ At which point I can’t help but interject with a remark about the pill. I mean what does he think happens to all the billions of women who are stuffing their bodies with fake oestrogen each month? Frankly it’s about time men took some responsibility for birth control, you know what I’m saying?
Then he starts telling me – completely out of nowhere cos believe me I was trying to shut that conversation D.O.W.N – ‘I used to use the rhythm method.’
‘Oh,’ I say.
Now all I can do is picture him having sex. And you know, that would be OK if it was RYAN GOSLING telling me he uses the rhythm method but it isn’t. I’m starting to wish I hadn’t gone to buy tomatoes.
THEN he tells me that he had to get the vasectomy as the rhythm method stopped working and he kept ejaculating by accident (does that make it premature? I don’t know but I’m going with that).
I can’t even process this right now. I’m too traumatised. This is too much fucking information. LITERALLY.
Also – dude. Don’t ever tell stories like this to someone who writes for a living.