I was really, really sick last night. I projectile vomited a punnet of cherries – just like in that scene from Stand By Me when the fat kid (nicknamed Lardass – co-incidentally that happens to be my brother’s name for me) swallows a litre of cod liver oil and then eats a dozen cherry pies all …
‘I am a LOVE GODDESS.’ John and Till stare up at me. (For those of you wondering who Till is – he’s our housemate – he’s like a German Larry David who’s been cross bred with Deepak Chopra and in our affections he sits somewhere between Lily and Alula.) ‘I am a Love goddess,’ I …
I am starting to wonder if there’s anyone in Ubud who believes in the theory of evolution. It’s not that Ubud is home to Christian fundamentalists all preaching creationism, hating on gays and believing we’re descended from Adam and Eve. Oh no, nothing like that. It’s that Ubud’s full of people who think we’re light …
At the start of every year I always make a list of all the things that I want to do in that year. 2010’s list went like this: 1. Travel around the world 2. Get published 3. Find a new home 4. Write two more books 5. Learn to meditate 6. Road trip USA 7. …
‘I want you to introduce yourselves and give me one word which describes how you’re feeling now.’ Bored. Can I say bored? No, that’s rude. What about highly sceptical? No, also rude. Resistant? Well if she can read my aura she knows this already. I’ll go with tired. Tired is inoffensive. Oooh crap, my turn. …
I am, according to the man whose penis I grabbed, ‘immensely enlightening’. He wasn’t referring to my genital grabbing technique, though perhaps he was, in secret code that I failed to pick up on at the time. Perhaps he found Nirvana in those few seconds I honked his bits whilst trying to break my fall. In …
Recently I’ve been trying to meditate. I say recently but actually I started trying at the start of the year and I’m still unelightened. Here is what happens when I try to meditate: ok, ommmm, one breath two breath three what’s for dinner is there any wine in the house no maybe I fancy a beer I …
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