Aside from the fact we’ve just spent two months in India and aside from the fact I am already familiar with Neasden, John is insisting we visit Little India. Whilst we are in Singapore. I don’t want to visit Little India. I want to visit air-conditioning and malls and clean sparkling buildings. I want to …
Dharavi is the largest slum in Asia. It is 2sq kilometres and home to 1 million people. Yes you heard me, ONE million people. Not a one of them wearing converse, leggings and a dress from Gap. So my attempt to blend in is not working. People are staring at us like we’re another life …
‘I can’t go. I have NOTHING to wear,’ I wail to John whilst rooting through my rucksack like a squirrel after winter nuts. John can’t believe I’m worrying about fashion at a time like this. ‘I’m serious. I have NOTHING to wear. I can’t go.’ I repeat. It’s a calculated hysteria. I’m hoping this excuse …
‘What did the lady want?’ ‘She wanted money. Why? ‘Because some people don’t have any money.’ ‘Well why didn’t you give her some mummy?’ Alula has been in Mumbai less than 20 hours and it’s not the heat or the noise or the smells that have blown her away. It’s the dresses. She doesn’t see …
The Tupperware of crabs is warm in my hand. I am warm in the taxi. It is nearly midnight and the taxi (fecking surprise here) is lost. So lost that I think I might just try looking for the hatch and perhaps Sawyer to keep me company. I am sick of taxi drivers waggling their …
‘They think you’re easy.’ Huh. Ok. I wish Pooja had told me that that’s what Indian men think of Anglo Saxon women before bringing me to this dayglo ballroom where there are 453 Indian men in Armani suits and one Anglo Saxon woman. That one anglo saxon woman – in case you’re wondering – that’s …
I just had a bikini wax. It involved a butter knife, wax so hot I assume they climbed the nearest volcano and dipped their wax tub in a flowing lava bed to warm it up and two women. All behind a shower curtain. You want to hear about the rest of my day? I staggered …
I have just been to a tattoo parlour in Mumbai. Not just any old tattoo parlour- ‘Al’s tattoo and cappuccino parlour’. I got a tattoo done. Of a bald eagle on my right shoulder blade with the words ‘don’t worry about a thing’ underneath. Are you kidding? Of course I didn’t get a tattoo. An …
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