I have just been to see Amma – the spiritual guru hugging lady avatar of god which might be her official title or might be something I made up. Either way, it’s something like that. Is a Saint an Avatar of God? Where did I get this Avatar of God thing from? I feel like I read it somewhere, but perimenopause brain is making me forget basic vocabulary like my own name, so maybe I’m making it up.

As I approached the building where Amma’s event was being hosted in Ojai, I saw a steady procession of old white people wearing white and slowed my roll. I got out my phone and Whatsapped my bestie, Deepa, who is Indian and Hindu (and was skeptical of Deepak Chopra way before he appeared in the Epstein list). Deepa, I whispered into the phone, I’m outside Amma’s thing and everyone is wearing white but I am not in white because I don’t have anything white because white is not a color I wear as it doesn’t suit me, is it a huge faux pas on my part if I am wearing black? She sent a sleepy message back telling me she didn’t know if it mattered but didn’t think so, and she’d bring me some white kurta pajamas back from India for the next time I do puja. 

Deepa, hold your horses. There won’t be a next time.

I came home and John asked how it was and I told him I wanted to punch someone. It’s not quite the outcome I expected when I signed up. I wanted a hug from an avatar of God and to receive enlightenment. She sent us off with an exhortation to meditate and put peace and love out into the world. How did it backfire so spectacularly? 

Have you met me? 

John thinks I have PBTD – Post Bali Traumatic Disorder. That whenever I am among white ‘spiritual’ people I get flashbacks to the pseudo spiritual seeking fakes that hung around Ubud, who I once threw jicama at, and who broke my will to live. And in fact, AI tells me that loving people from a distance while avoiding close proximity is a common experience often caused by trauma. So John is right. Let’s blame the bliss ninnies in Bali.

I sat down in the back row (close to the exit just in case), and had to move three times because the lady in front of me was swaying so hard I got seasick, also she kept interrupting my view of Amma like a pendulum blocking the sun. The mantra chanting began and I did close my eyes and try to become one with the universe. I attempted to empty my mind. I omm so hummed. But then one of the people in white chanting was so out of tune that thoughts started to intrude like midges biting my ankles, forcing me to crack an eye.

Amma didn’t seem perturbed by the out of tune chanting. She was smiling beatifically at us all – her children. Could she see my aura of judginess? I attempted to burnish my aura and banish the irritation with thoughts of love and hoped she’d see I was making an effort and wink at me. She didn’t.

Amma then began her talk by saying; ‘Do you know what happened in 1914?’ 

I had to stop my hand from shooting into the air like the A history student I am. ‘World War One,’ I coughed loudly into my hand. 

‘World War One,’ Amma told the audience who all oohed and ahhed because Americans do not know about anything even happening today in the news, let alone 1914. They may not even be able to tell you what countries were involved in WWI. But I’m 100% sure they’d brag that they won it. 

Amma then pointed out that the Vedic astrology of today is the same as it was in 1914. I think this was her basically telling us we’re on the brink of WW3. This woman is the Avatar of God™ so I think we should listen to her. 

Her advice was to pray and meditate like there’s no tomorrow in order to protect the world. I glanced around at this point wondering how nervous I should be. Is prayer and meditation the answer? Should we not start by say, impeaching Trump? 

And I’ve prayed for a lot more than impeachment and he’s still walking around starting wars and winning fake peace prizes. Just saying.

Also there were no hugs at the end. I came for a hug and left disappointed. Though, technically, there could have been hugs but I didn’t hang about to find out. I went home and hugged John instead.