When I was 8 I hatched a plan with a school friend (with whom I spent hours and hours acting out scenes from Grease) to move to Hollywood when we were 18 and become actresses. We had it all worked out. We’d waitress and before long we’d be spotted by a producer and become movie …
She just wants to be normal I know, but that’s difficult verging on impossible when you have a feminist, socialist mother mouthing off about the Royal Family, organised religion and David Cameron while you’re trying to read the latest Jacqueline Wilson in the back of the car. Today in Brownies they celebrated the Queen being the …
‘I just want to be NORMAL!’ Alula yells at me as I’m driving her to school. ‘What’s so good about normal?’ I ask. ‘And anyway, what do you mean by ‘normal’? What is normal?’ ‘I don’t want to be the kid who has lived in London and then Bali and then here and then somewhere …
At the time it seemed like a good idea. ‘Are you sure mummy that this is going to work?’ Alula asked sceptically. ‘Of course,’ I told her, contemplating the cardboard box that I’d strangled with parcel tape. ‘It’ll be fine. I’ve bubble wrapped it all. And I wrote FRAGILE on the side of the box.’ …
The sun is shining! For the first time in days the sky dawns a decadent blue. I scowl, then tramp down the stairs cursing loudly. Because it doesn’t matter what colour the sky is. We’re not going to be seeing it after all. No. We’re going to be underground, in the dark, crawling through caves. …
‘The next time I suggest a holiday in the UK please remind me of this.’ Suppressed laughter erupts from John. I kick him. ‘I swear to God this is the last time EVER I go on holiday in the UK. Why, why the hell did I ever think it would be a good idea to spend our …
The BBC Breakfast studio is really small and really dark and they seat you a good three feet away from the presenters so you feel as if you are talking to them across a chasm. Also that backdrop is painted on the wall. Who knew!? I had spent the previous thirty minutes before appearing on …
About six years ago I was sitting on the 7.38 train to London Bridge and I turned to John and said: ‘I’m going to write a blog. What do you think about the title ‘Can we live here?’ He nodded. And so this blog was born. Back then I think I possibly harboured a tiny hope …
I’m going to be on BBC Breakfast on Friday morning. I have spent the last three weeks on a crash diet because I don’t want to find out that the adage about the camera adding ten pounds is true after the event, when I walk off set and switch on my phone to find a dozen …
I feel as if I’m paralytically drunk and standing on the deck of a storm-tossed boat while someone stabs an acid-tipped skewer into my ear. I have a sinus infection which has spread to my inner ear and I want to place my head in the freezer, curl in a ball and try not to …
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