‘They’re moving into our house so you can buy me percy pigs.’

I love Lula’s mind – her reductive view of the world. I wish life was really that simple. I wish I could spend £1300 a month on percy pigs but that wouldn’t simplify things it would only complicate them – I’d be unable to squeeze my obese frame through the doorway to fend off the bailiffs.

The reason she thinks the rent is paying to keep her in percy pigs is because I failed to explain the concept of a mortgage to her, because I couldn’t explain it to myself let alone to a child, so instead I told her that people were moving into our house so I could afford to buy her percy pigs and stickers and hair clips.

I’m now pondering how to start explaining the concept of money to her before she thinks I can buy her a tiger or something. She knows it doesn’t grow on trees because that’s my standard response when she asks why she can’t buy everything pink in the shop including cilit bang. But that’s where her knowledge stops.

‘Mummy, when we go travelling we are going to have so, so, so much fun.’

‘Yes, darling we are going to have lots of fun.’

Oh god, I think, now what am I going to do? In an attempt to make Lula feel better about leaving behind all her friends and toys, I have been spinning her various scenarios involving buckets, spades, beaches, platypuses, tigers, elephants, buried treasure, fairy palaces, real princesses (Thailand has a royal family right?), Mickey Mouse and kangaroos. No wonder she’s finding it hard to get to sleep tonight. I did this because I wanted to prepare her for diahhrea and feeling ill. I figured if she’s reallly excited about the princesses and the kangaroos she’ll not demand to go home when she gets ‘farty poppy tummy’.

The plan sounded good in my head but now she’s so excited I’m not sure our trip can possibly live up to her expectations

‘Mummy when we go to the moon we’ll have so much fun.’

‘Yes we will – wait…did you say moon?’

‘Yes.’

‘Er, we’re not going to the moon.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because we’re going to India and because we’d need a space ship to go to the moon and we only have a Honda.’

‘Can we get a spaceship?’

‘No, it would cost a lot of money.’

And I wonder why I didn’t explain the concept of money back when we bought her that Fisher Price till. It would have been a whole lot easier.