I am, according to the man whose penis I grabbed, ‘immensely enlightening’. He wasn’t referring to my genital grabbing technique, though perhaps he was, in secret code that I failed to pick up on at the time. Perhaps he found Nirvana in those few seconds I honked his bits whilst trying to break my fall.
In seriousness, I think it was just a polite way of saying that my stupidity was eye opening. But it got me thinking again about enlightenment and my failure to meditate myself into a calmer, slower mental space. When I try to do this my mind cranks up a notch becoming a hotbed of tangential thoughts and random synapse firing, usually about underage or Swedish hotness.
The problem is speed. I feel the need, the need for speed, as the GMD once said in Topgun. Sometimes I think that if I actually did a line of speed it would have the opposite physiological response – slowing me down till I was dribbling and standing static in a stairwell staring at a wall or something. Speed is my natural state – although I don’t do running or fast movements or any kind, not even if there’s a bus coming at me and I’m facing a future as road kill. I don’t perform any fast movements involving limbs because my mind is using all the calories – and yes, well probably I should be using all that speed to discover the answer to Dark Matter or how Lloyd stayed in so long but that requires IQ too and I’m not laying claim to IQ points, just to speedy ability to process thoughts.
A friend of mine has just got back from this shamanistic slash meditation slash drink peyote in the desert whilst communing with nature retreat type thing in Mexico. It sounded cool. At least the peyote drinking sounded cool. And he said that when walking in the desert even there it was impossible to switch off. So what hope is there for me?
Probably none but to give it its best shot, and to see whether we can switch off from the relentless speed and pace of London before tramping the world proper we’ve decided to rework our route and spend longer in India. In fact we’re going to find an idyllic Keralan beach house and rent it for a month or longer. And there we will work on beating our speed addiction and I will work on my meditation so that the next person I speak to will say that I’m immensely enlightened.