‘You are not a frickin Hardy Boy John.’

He is pointing with his oar at a giant scrub-laden hill that he wants me to climb with him.

Urghhhh, I groan letting the oar flop.

‘It will be an adventure.’

‘I don’t want an adventure. I’m tired.’

‘You’re so no fun.’

‘You’re not in the famous five.’

Everytime I get in a canoe I think of Last of the Mohicans. That’s what makes me get in the canoe. Then after approximately three seconds I decide Daniel Day Lewis made it look much sexier than it actually is. ‘I will find you. Stay alive no matter what occurs,’ rings in my ears.

I am not sure I am going to stay alive no matter what occurs in this canoe as John steers us towards a great big bloody boulder in the sea. ‘Mind the big rock,’ I call out.

‘Thanks for that. I can’t see anything at all so it’s great that you’re navigating.’

I struggle to turn with the oar in my hand. ‘You can’t see?’ Then I realise he is being sarcastic. I stop paddling. Not that he notices. Our speed remains the same. We head towards some rapids. ‘Ahhhh rapids.’

‘Why are you worried?’ John says still paddling.

‘Because it might overturn. I might smash my head on a rock and drown.’

‘They aren’t even rapids.

He’s right they are more like the little waves you make when you get in the bath. We ripple through them.

And then we see them. Three dolphins start dancing around our boat. I have never been this close to a dolphin. And for some reason the only thing I can find to say is, ‘Why don’t we eat dolphins?’

‘You’re watching dolphins play five feet away and you’re asking why we don’t eat them? You are unbelievable.’

‘I don’t mean I want to eat them (I’ve been vegetarian now for 8 weeks – kudos please) I just mean that we eat most things in the sea, we eat urchins and ugly stuff like squid. Why not the dolphins?’ Why is there no dolphin nicoise on the menu? Have you ever wondered about that?

John ignores me and keeps paddling after them.

‘If I were a native American I’d be called Canoes with Dolphins,’ I say.

John doesn’t say anything but hazarding a guess, I think he’s thinking his Native American name would be ‘Canoes with idiot’.