I was already feeling like an inferior human being. This mainly thanks to having spent Sunday at Ku De Ta. A place so striving to be cool it can’t even spell itself correctly. A place so filled to the brim with the beautiful people that it hurt to look for too long in one direction. A place so dripping in its own narcissim the floors were slippy. Anyway, a day spent hanging out there next to the sylph-limbed, perfectly-breasted, made me – even as a size 10 – feel like a blubber whale and a slightly inferior human being.

Wanting to remedy the fact that I turned up to the most glam venue on the island wearing a hot pink shorts jumpsuit and fake ray bans (sum total of outfit £2.50 from the local market),  I decided to make myself feel better and more sylph-like,  by reinventing my wardrobe. I spent Sunday night diligently trawling the internet bookmarking several Marc Jacobs and Missoni dresses. On Monday morning I hunted the streets of Ubud for fabric. I’m like Challenge Anneka when I have a cause and there was none so big as this. Within about half an hour I had about 50 metres of cotton, silk, batik and ikat in my possession and was standing in front of a tailor, laptop open, pointing at the images I’d saved of sylph-like models. ‘Can you make me look like that?’ I asked as the tailor measured me.

She stared at the image, she stared at me, then she unfurled her tape measure and started jotting down measurements.

‘Oooooh. BIG hips,’ she announced patting my rump. ‘Nice. Very nice.’

So that mission worked.

Big Hips. Nice.

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