‘I want you to introduce yourselves and give me one word which describes how you’re feeling now.’
Bored. Can I say bored? No, that’s rude. What about highly sceptical? No, also rude. Resistant? Well if she can read my aura she knows this already. I’ll go with tired. Tired is inoffensive.
Oooh crap, my turn. ‘I’m Sarah and I’m from London and I’m…’ an alcoholic. Say that. It would be funny. No say fucked off. Say I think this is all bullshit…’tired.’
‘Now begin by swaying your arms in front of your base chakra point and imagining a rainbow of light. Red light is filling up the room.’
You what? Urgh my arms are getting tired.
‘Now move your arms up to your third eye and start swaying and visualize the colour purple.’
Oh my god seriously? My third eye? My arms are really fricking aching – how much longer do I have to sway for? Oooh, everyone has their eyes shut. Maybe I can just drop my arms…woops busted. Sway those arms. Sway those arms. Stop smiling. You look like you’re taking the piss. I am taking the piss.
‘We are balancing our chakras. Feel the energy swirling around you.’
Nope. Not feeling anything. Except intense frustration and I’m hot and starting to sweat. And this is a new dress. I don’t want to sweat. Urgh for god’s sake when can we stop swaying. Why does everyone else look like they’re in some kind of trance? Why is no one else laughing?
‘Everyone take a crystal love necklace. When we surround ourselves with things which have a higher vibration like these crystals our cells start to vibrate at a higher frequency and we can heal ourselves.’
Are you fricking serious? If my eyes roll back any further in my head will I dislocate my optic nerve and end up staring at my frontal lobe for the rest of my life?
‘Now I want you to send out a colour to your partner.’
‘Start making the noise of that colour. Send out the intention of that colour.’
Does that mean I can yell? That is the noise my colour wants to make. My colour wants to scream. Can I scream?
‘Err, what do you mean exactly by noise?’
‘Like this – mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm’
O-Kay. So like a mental patient. But I want to yell. Good job I didn’t. That could have been embarrassing. Everyone else is humming. I can’t just sit here silent. I need to make some kind of noise. Ok, here goes.
‘Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm’ Now I sound like an inpatient on Shutter Island. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I want my money back. No stay. It’s a good blog post.
‘Now what colour were you sending out to your partner?’
‘What colour did your partner see?’
‘Green.’ Funny that.
‘Well when we can’t see the colour this is because we’re too in our masculine side which is limited and can only do one thing at a time.’
Hey, we agree on something. But isn’t that like a bit rude to say it outloud? I know we’re all women here but err, I think you just called me a man – and in an insulting way.
‘You need to be in the feminine which is boundless and infinite.’
‘Try thinking of your mother.’
What the serious fuck? My mother is many things but infinite is not one of them.
‘I see auras.’
And I see dead people. If she’s a healer I’m the Buddha. Shit can she see my aura right now? Is that why she’s looking at me funny? Maybe she can sense that I’m thinking ‘CRAZY FRICKING CRYSTAL LADY’
‘And I hold regular healing sessions using the power of sound and crystals.’
Ok, someone’s not been taking their thorazine.
‘I also do eat pray love soulmate love readings where you can discover love in your aura and find your soulmate.’
Translation: I rip off middle aged women coming to Bali looking for their Javier Bardem.
‘Now, at the end of the session how do you feel?’
I feel murderous rage. And like I feel like I want my money back. And I feel that tomorrow I’m going to blog about this and be healed.