1. I told Alula for the billionth time that I’m not her slave. And she replied by telling me that I’m not the boss of her either.
2. I awoke at 5am to the sounds of someone breaking into the house. It turned out that it was a giant owl trying to headbutt its way out of the living room windows. I snuck up next to it all horse whisperer esque and opened the window so it could get out. It had big talons. It was quite scary.
Then I looked up on google what an owl crossing your path means. According to the greeks the Owl is a symbol of wealth and abundance and according to Native Americans the owl is a powerful messenger between the spirit realm and our realm.
I am taking this to mean that the owl is my totem animal and that it came to visit me to tell me that I’m about to become abundantly wealthy (I ignored the part about it being a pagan harbinger of death because surely the Native Americans know better).
3. I met a woman who interprets the Mayan Calendar and tells people their future by calling on higher consciousness to light our paths to authenticity. Or something like that. I tune out whenever I hear the word authentic. I just hear the words ‘I’m a twat’ instead. I asked her what then was going to happen in 2012 – was the world going to explode and were we all going to die – and she said she didn’t know because the Mayan Calendar doesn’t predict the future. I wanted to point out that she had just exposed herself therefore as a fraud, but she was too bug eyed for rational discussion to have any impact.
4. I got an email from my agent saying: ‘I love it. It’s brilliant,’ about the sequel to my first book Hunting Lila (out in August next year). Phew. Relief. There had been a point last week when I was googling ultrasonic weapons and mexican mafia fashion that I thought maybe it was all a bit much, but apparently not. Apparently I have written a book that you’ll stay up all night to finish.
5. John went to Singapore for 4 days leaving me with 24/7 childcare duties. With a child who is currently role playing for the part of Damien in The Omen this was not fun. My threats to send her home to live with granny if she didn’t behave were met with derision. Yes that’s right. My four year old knows when I’m talking bull and actually laughs in my face ‘no you won’t you big liar.’ I have no leverage anymore. The only way I can get her to stay on the naughty step is by threatening to write to the fairies so they don’t deliver a present in her advent calendar (don’t ask how we got from christmas elves to fairies because I’m not sure). But what do I do after the 25th? And what will I do when she no longer believes in fairies? It doesn’t bear thinking about.
6. John went to Singapore and didn’t bring me back anything that I asked for. Nail polish? ‘sorry darling, they only had Chanel.’
Newsflash, if they only have the Chanel, I’ll take the Chanel.
He didn’t bring us back any duty free alcohol either because apparently he was in a rush to catch the plane. Well hello, I was in a rush to pour that glass of Vodka. Men.
7. This morning on the school run Alula and I saw a huge pig with an enormously pendulous ball sack dragging a man in very tight shorts down the road. It galloped over a busy t-junction and Alula looked and me and said ‘what are those dangly bits?’