Alula: Play with me mummy

Me: Only if I don’t have to play barbies.

Alula: But I want to play barbies

Me: Well I don’t like Barbie

Alula: Why not?

Me: Because Barbie represents an image of womanhood and beauty that I find offensive.

Alula: No she doesn’t. Don’t be silly mummy. Let’s play Barbie.

Me: Urgh. What do I have to do?

Alula: Make her talk.

Me: Ok. ‘My name’s Barbie and I’m a silly vacuous fool with ridiculous statistics an obsession with pink and deformed feet from wearing high heels, just like Victoria Beckham.’

Alula: Mummy that’s not how she talks.

The next morning:

Me: Oh look Barbie’s sleeping

Alula: No she’s not sleeping.

Me: Oh, is she resting?

Alula: No.

Me: so what is she?

Alula: dead.

—

That afternoon

John: I had a big conversation with lula about why girls aren’t always best. And why boys can be better sometimes.

Me: Don’t go putting ideas into her head.

—

On the way home from school

Alula: Look that man just said hello to me. But I’m not going to say hello back because I don’t know his name.

Me: Good job. Generally we don’t say hello to strange men.

Alula: We don’t?

Me: Not unless they’re very, very good looking and then we can make an exception to that rule.

Alula: If they’re very very handsome we can say hello?

Me: yes

Alula: So if they’re like Eggy (her first ever crush) or like Fintan (her cousin), I can say hello?

Me: Yeah. You can say hi if they’re like Eggy or Fintan.

Alula: I want to marry Fintan and I want Eggy to be my baby’s daddy.