Jesus came to tea the other day.

I always wanted to write that line.

John told me that he runs a business in town. I look at him, sitting on our Bale, long brown hair, sorrowful face, beard (no stigmata that I can see) and I ask John if at board meetings he sits on the right hand side of the table.

Also at tea were two people on day 7 of a 10 day fast. This was a good thing because I got to eat both their shares of the strawberry cheesecake. As I forked that cheesey goodness into my mouth I couldn’t help but wonder why anyone would forgo eating for even 1 hour, let alone 240.  I mean hello? When there’s cheesecake that good in the world? When frozen margaritas can be delivered to your door in less than twenty minutes?

I was told that there are people in this world who apparently have not eaten for 7 years. All they do is get up, meditate and smell flowers. And this is enough to sustain them. Financially they are sustained by doing speaker gigs at festivals and telling the world about how they live on water and air. I smell something wet and amphibious.

I reckon they sneak to macdonalds at night and stuff themselves on quarterpounders but hey that’s just the cynic in me talking. It’s speaking a lot lately, like it’s the other side of my split personality and its getting stronger and will soon take me over entirely.

Then we went to a party. We met someone who can plot your human destiny. Or was it Human DNA? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m getting him confused with a character in one of my books. Anyway he definitely said something along the lines of interpreting our human purpose by looking at quantum physics, our horoscopes and the I Ching. I know he said this because not even I could make that shit up.

When I quizzed him further about WTF he was talking about he told me he could let me know if my life’s purpose was, for example, to be selfish or angry.

‘And then what?’ I asked. ‘Is that so you can work on it and improve your um, DNA? I ask, you know, become a light being?’

And he said to me,  ‘No. It’s so you can stop pretending to be something you’re not and start living your authentic self.’

He said the word authentic. We all know how I feel about that. Authentic is the most ironic word in the universe. It’s only used by frauds.

‘You can be selfish. That’s fine. Because that’s who you are,’ he says.

I think at this point I had to push my jaw shut. But then I suddenly thought, maybe I should find out what my purpose is in life. What my human DNA is. And then I thought, no I’ll save the money and take a wild stab in the dark that my purpose, my DNA, is to be a cynical bitch. But at least if what this guy says is true– that’s alright.  I quite like this idea. No need to try and improve myself / kid myself I’m anything other.

When we leave, our friend says to John and I, ‘You two are like the perfect party couple. It’s very entertaining – John goes and makes friends with everyone in the room and is really nice and then you,’ he points at me –

‘Tear them apart with my cynical bitch routine,’ I finish.

‘Yeah!’ he says.

But someone’s gotta do it. And at least now I’ve established it’s my purpose.

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