Last night we went to a party. It was brilliant. There was a babi guling feast. Vegetarians look away now….that’s an entire pig roasted on a stick over an open fire that was then carved by the table, which wasn’t a table but rather, a ten-meter long mat made of banana leaves on which the food was beautifully laid out, pig skin and all. We all sat around it and ate with our hands…it was so awesome that I looked at John and said, ‘you know how I decided yesterday I was a vegetarian? Well, I lied.’ After the dancing girls had done their bit. And I had drunk at least a bottle of wine. And had a conversation in my head with the dead pig where I argued with it that it being dead already meant that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I had this conversation with one of the other guests.

Me: ‘Oh my god, Vaginal releasing? Like, holy what the fuck? Seriously?’

Her: ‘Did you do it?

‘No! I took the card so I could photograph it and tweet about it. And let me tell you it made the twitterverse laugh their heads off. I was still getting responses about it twelve hours later.’

‘I tried it.’

‘No way!’ I say.

‘Yes.’

‘What was it like?’

‘Amazing!’

‘Really? What does she do?’

‘She massages you with coconut oil and then says, ‘I’m going inside, is that OK?’

‘And you said ‘OK?’ ????’

‘Yes.’

‘And?’

‘And it was incredible. Such a release. So different to an orgasm.’ ….

Later the conversation turned to products that are sold in a health store in town: ‘And we have these vaginal sticks too.’

‘Excuse me, what?’ (that’s me talking)

‘Vaginal sticks…’ (at this point I must admit that I can’t fully quote the conversation because my brain was doing too many loop the loops and I was laughing so hard I was spitting wine across the room). But I can tell you this…

A vaginal stick is something made of clay that is smaller than a rampant rabbit yet larger than a finger. It has crystals in it and is used for: ‘rejuvenating, tightening and exfoliating, oh and moisturizing.’ Don’t forget that crucial moisturizing. Your insides really need it.

‘Exfoliating?’ I asked, ‘But why do you need to exfoliate a part of your body nobody ever sees?’

I was told something about dead smells or maybe dead cells. I can’t remember I was too busy ewwww-ing.

This is one of the many reasons I love Bali. Because you get Babi Guling and talk about vaginal sticks in one room.

You should know that while I was happy to do the colonic in order to entertain and inform you loyal blog readers, this is one step too far.