‘Ooooh it’s like soft porn,’ we murmur and stuff more peanut butter cups in our mouths and crank up the volume.
Becky and I only managed to watch the first two episodes of Highlander before we gave up on it. It was just way too much talking and not enough… well, shagging.
We tuned in this week because we’d seen on FB that there was to be an Outlander Wedding. Hurrah! Finally. It only took then seven episodes to get there.
In the book world this would be like slogging through five thousand pages and not having the protagonists kiss until the last paragraph. That’s fine in the Pride and Prejudice world but not in our world. We wanted Jamie and Claire to be doing it by the end of the pilot. Preferably by the end of act 1 of the pilot. We’re impatient like that.
In my defence, for research purposes (did you know I’m now also a screenwriter?) I’m often watching about ten different shows at once, and constantly watching pilots, so if a show doesn’t impress me off the bat then it’s off my list and I’m on to the next. And what does it take to impress me? Well, clearly Jamie naked.
‘That was a bit quick,’ I said, tilting my head to adjust for the angle. ‘And not very romantic.’
‘Oh my god, imagine being the actors?’ Becky says as Jamie gives his best orgasm face to camera.
‘Oh my god, I just can’t. Do you think they walked on set and were like ‘Ok, let’s get naked. Do you mind if I stroke your ass lovingly? Don’t laugh. Ok now I’m just going to pretend to give you a blowjob. Try not to get excited by that.’
‘I just couldn’t. Oh the embarrassment. Can you imagine? And your whole family watching on the telly.’
We both fall silent.
‘Yeah, because we don’t write erotic sex scenes that our parents and friends and thousands of people then read. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be?’
Becky and I give each other a guilty glance and snicker.
‘Oooh, look they’re at it again.’