The BBC Breakfast studio is really small and really dark and they seat you a good three feet away from the presenters so you feel as if you are talking to them across a chasm. Also that backdrop is painted on the wall. Who knew!?
I had spent the previous thirty minutes before appearing on air in the make-up chair chatting to the lovely lady who was plastering foundation on me like a builder trying to repair cracks in a crumbling wall.
The poor woman had her work cut out for her but she did such a great job I almost didn’t recognise myself when I looked in the mirror. Possibly the entire BBC licensing budget just got spent on foundation and hairspray. Sorry people. When they cancel Eastenders you’ll know why.
I really wanted Liz the make up lady to come and live with me and make me look like that – like an airbrushed version of myself – every morning – but she has to be up every day at 4am to make Bill Turnbull look pretty.
As I was sitting in the make up chair feeling a bit nervous and trying to practice not swearing the producer came to check I was all set.
‘OK,’ she said, looking a little anxious. ‘Now it’s a live broadcast so please be aware there is no swearing.’
‘Do you tell that to all the guests who come on or did you read my blog?’ I asked her.
‘They tell it to all the guests,’ the make up artist informed me as she dusted me with another layer of powder.
The producer nodded but admitted she had also read my blog. ‘All under control,’ I told her, smiling while my heart started to beat faster. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
Just then the TV in front of me splashed up with ON NEXT: SARAH ALDERMAN
‘What the fuck?’ I screeched. ‘I mean… um…. what? They’ve spelt my name wrong. Do you think that might be fixed?’
My amazing publicist ran off to get it sorted and I sat back in the chair and asked the make-up lady what had happened after Bill Turnbull uttered the c-word last week on the sofa. I wanted to know what the ramifications were… just in case.
‘Everyone just laughed,’ she reassured me.
That made me feel loads better.
Shortly after I appeared on the couch (Christian was the loveliest and Naga is so impossibly beautiful in the flesh you wonder if she might be a Synth) I started receiving tweets. Two people told me that they had just quit their jobs upon hearing me (and if you are one of those two please don’t sue me if you end up impoverished and living on the streets). One person told me I had sexy legs. And two people tweeted me to tell me my voice is annoying.
John tells me my voice sounds like Jane Seymour after two G&Ts and a strong coffee. (I want to know how he knows this is what Jane Seymour sounds like after a couple of stiff drinks and a double shot of espresso.)
I ignored the haters – WHATEVER – Jane Seymour played MEDICINE WOMAN.
After the show I felt infinitely less stressed. It had been an exciting but exhausting couple of days. Four radio shows and a TV interview down and I was ready for bed, after first stuffing my face.
But then I got a call saying I was wanted on Sky News this Sunday. So, with a sigh, I’m back to crash dieting, panicking about outfits and practicing my not swearing routine.
Watch the BBC interview here.
And if you really fancy it you can listen to me on the Claudia Winkleman Arts Show (she’s ever so teeny tiny).
And if you still haven’t heard enough of me rabbiting on I’m also on the brilliant Stephen Nolan’s 5 Live show (around the 1hour 40 mark).
And if you want to come and meet me face to face and hear my annoying voice I’ll be at Stanfords in London this Thursday! being interviewed by the divine Myanna Buring (she of Downton and Ripper fame) and signing books (yes, any and all of my books).
Oh, and if you have bought the book THANK YOU! I made it to #1 in Travel and into the top 100 on Amazon. If you have the time to leave a review I would be ever so grateful (obviously only if you’re giving it 5 stars… otherwise you’re alright, don’t worry about it.) : )