‘They think you’re easy.’ Huh. Ok. I wish Pooja had told me that that’s what Indian men think of Anglo Saxon women before bringing me to this dayglo ballroom where there are 453 Indian men in Armani suits and one Anglo Saxon woman. That one anglo saxon woman – in case you’re wondering – that’s …
I just had a bikini wax. It involved a butter knife, wax so hot I assume they climbed the nearest volcano and dipped their wax tub in a flowing lava bed to warm it up and two women. All behind a shower curtain. You want to hear about the rest of my day? I staggered …
I have just been to a tattoo parlour in Mumbai. Not just any old tattoo parlour- ‘Al’s tattoo and cappuccino parlour’. I got a tattoo done. Of a bald eagle on my right shoulder blade with the words ‘don’t worry about a thing’ underneath. Are you kidding? Of course I didn’t get a tattoo. An …
‘Right, here’s a question for you,’ I say to John, ‘Eastbourne. Can we live here?’ Admittedly it isn’t on our list but as we are passing through and for want of other amusing conversation in the car, we may as well start here. It’s about ten miles from my dad’s where we’re camping out for …
I was watching Eastenders yesterday and between that and the snow it seems obvious that the reasons are lining up to remind me why we are leaving. Like an image of the Virgin Mary appearing in a potato. An unexpected reminder to keep the faith because our next life is going to be nothing short …
It’s way, way, way more expensive than you think it’s going to be. Not like when you go to Ikea and can’t understand how a plastic collander, some plants, a shower curtain, two mugs and a hanging storage container has come to £112.56 (£113.55 once John has bought himself a reconstituted hotdog). Nor like Paris …
We have stacked our bed frame in the garage. The garage is like a giantastic game of tetris and John has played a winning game. It’s like a vacuum inside. All the air has been displaced by furniture. You can’t breathe if you go in there – there’s no oxygen. It’s like space. So I …
‘We’re never going to make it!’ ‘Yes we are.’ ‘No! We’re not. We’re never going to make it!’ Can you guess what film it is yet? Here’s a clue… It’s not Annie – though funnily enough those words are exactly what the orphan kids say when they’re on their way to Daddy Warbucks’ mansion. I …
This is what I am staring at… – A Christmas tree, which if it was a person would be the drunk at the office party, unconscious, covered in puke, dribbling whilst leaning heavily against the wall flashing obscenely. – A sofa which is going tomorrow on freecycle and which I must remember to excavate the …
‘Where’s daddy going?’ ‘To work.’ Lula looks long and hard at Clock House station. ‘There?’ ‘Well he gets the train from there. Like I do… Did.’ Ha. ‘What do you do at work?’ ‘Er. Well…’ I have to think hard, the memories are already fuzzy, ‘Have meetings. Write things.’ And that’s about it. I can’t …
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