Dharavi is the largest slum in Asia. It is 2sq kilometres and home to 1 million people. Yes you heard me, ONE million people. Not a one of them wearing converse, leggings and a dress from Gap. So my attempt to blend in is not working. People are staring at us like we’re another life form come to probe their planet.

We are on a walking tour of Dharavi. I have issues. Not least with the walking part. But mainly my issues are with the part where we pay money to go stare at poor people. It feels like an update on the Victorian practice of going to stare at the crazy people locked up in the Bedlam all in the name of entertainment. But I am doing it anyway because there’s no Curzon in Mumbai and I was bored. Just kidding. I am here because the money from the tours goes straight back into the local community via a community centre and a kindergarten. And because John said I had to.

The guide zig zags us through alleys so narrow only the faeces can run through it freely. The rubbish dump burns day and night. A toxic plastic smoke sears our lungs. Children use the place as their playground.

Yet for all its dirt and crammedness (it’s the most densely populated place on earth), Dharavi is a hive of activity and micro-industry and that’s what the tour is at pains to point out. This is not a slum as we would imagine one to be. Dharavi has an economy of around $800 million a year. Though the workers in the sweatshops earn about £1.20 for a twelve hour day. And these are literally sweat shops. Now I get why they’re called that. We stopped in a workshop where men were feeding ground up aluminium cans into hot lava, producing at the end of it all ingots of aluminium which get sold back to the canning factories so our coca cola can be reborn.

Over 250,000 Dharavi inhabitants are employed on recycling initiatives – from coke cans to paint tins and cooking oil vats.

We wandered through the Gujarati part of town. The part that looks like the garden section at homebase for all the thousands of flower pots. The guide asked if we had any questions. Yeah, I wanted to ask, is it hot enough?

We finished up with a visit to the community centre. There were lots of Dharavi inhabitants there learning English. We handed over our rupee notes. The equivalent of four days work to one of the people of Dharavi, then we took a taxi back to our fan cooled, maid-serviced, security-guarded, fully utilitied up flat and ate the lunch the cook had prepared and showered in clean water and lay down on freshly laundered sheets for a nap.

India makes me feel a lot of things – hot, tired, elated, frustrated, delighted, angry, stressed and relaxed. But mostly it makes me feel enormously lucky. And in equal measure…guilty.

‘I can’t go. I have NOTHING to wear,’ I wail to John whilst rooting through my rucksack like a squirrel after winter nuts.

John can’t believe I’m worrying about fashion at a time like this.

‘I’m serious. I have NOTHING to wear. I can’t go.’ I repeat. It’s a calculated hysteria. I’m hoping this excuse will put paid to the plan to tour Dharavi tomorrow. Dharavi is not, as you might think from this little exchange, a palace, a temple or a Bollywood star’s mansion, it’s the largest slum in Asia.

That numnut from Grand Designs made possibly the worst documentary ever all about it and I wanted to smack him around the head with his unread copy of Shantaram. Clearly the man had not done his homework prior.  Unlike John, who hasn’t read Shantaram but who has read the Reality Tours website.

‘It said to dress modestly,’ John reminds me.

I stare at John and don’t say anything. It’s not like I dress like a ho but my bag is packed mainly with bikinis and a very cute shorts jumpsuit I got from Reiss. Not that appropriate for the open sewers of Dharavi.

‘What’s the longest thing you brought with you?’ he says sighing.

I’m wearing it. It’s a gap dress that falls to the knee. ‘It’s fairly modest.’ I say tugging at it (or it would be if I hadn’t somehow lost all my bras). It’s a lie. I do have something longer but it’s so see-through it may as well be the Emperor’s new clothes.

But I can’t accessorise this dress that I am wearing with my converse. I just can’t. It would be wrong. John reminds me it’s either accessorizing with the converse or having an excrement pedicure. I’m about to throw myself on the bed and tantrum when I remember there is a no photo policy on the tour. Which means that there would be no photographic evidence of the fashion crime I would be committing.

John is just relieved Alula isn’t coming too. As if one fashion obsessed female in the house isn’t enough. Yesterday she insisted on wearing her new blue flower dress underneath her pink skirt, underneath her purple butterfly dress. With the tutu on the top and then 3, yes you heard me right, 3 hats stacked like pancakes on her head. Imagine the fuss she would make about what to wear to Dharavi.

They row canoes across the beach searching for tigers and fairies called Happy. They climb mountains and make princess castles in the sand.  In the meantime we sit, drink vodka limcas and pay the nearest five year old five rupees to watch they don’t drown.

Does that make us bad parents?

I keep asking this question a lot lately. When I first paid a visit to the German run (free play rules) nursery I sat gingerly on the packed earth floor and thought, ‘hmmm, this is nice, rustic – but lovely…my GOD the children are FILTHY.’ Then I picked up Alula after her first day and it gave filthy a new name. I almost didn’t recognise her under the grime. I guess that’s what happens when you combine free running snot with free play in the dirt. Every day reminds me of that scene in Aliens when Sigourney Weaver finds that girl Newt and tries to clean her up. ‘There’s a girl underneath there,’ I say as Alula streaks naked through the house screaming like the shower is the mother alien come to get her and lay its eggs in her brain.

Does that make us bad parents?

Then we were invited to our Tuktuk driver’s house for lunch – a strange, awkward affair under a corrugated iron roof, Lula playing on their plywood bed whilst we ate off a plastic table and tried to make small talk about Hindu gods and Hindi music – neither of which I know anything about – and his kids were trotted out, pristine, polite, perfect. Hair oiled, parted just so, white shirts pressed, handkerchiefs safety pinned in triangles to their shirts, huge white smiles. I looked at Lula, filthy and barefoot, wild and singing to herself about fairies and thought ‘what must they be thinking of me?’

So I asked Cami, my waxer/masseuse, how come Indian kids are so clean and polite. And she said it’s because their parents beat them.

So now I don’t feel so bad.

Alula and Noah hang out in booze alley

kids play adults drink beer

‘You are not a frickin Hardy Boy John.’

He is pointing with his oar at a giant scrub-laden hill that he wants me to climb with him.

Urghhhh, I groan letting the oar flop.

‘It will be an adventure.’

‘I don’t want an adventure. I’m tired.’

‘You’re so no fun.’

‘You’re not in the famous five.’

Everytime I get in a canoe I think of Last of the Mohicans. That’s what makes me get in the canoe. Then after approximately three seconds I decide Daniel Day Lewis made it look much sexier than it actually is. ‘I will find you. Stay alive no matter what occurs,’ rings in my ears.

I am not sure I am going to stay alive no matter what occurs in this canoe as John steers us towards a great big bloody boulder in the sea. ‘Mind the big rock,’ I call out.

‘Thanks for that. I can’t see anything at all so it’s great that you’re navigating.’

I struggle to turn with the oar in my hand. ‘You can’t see?’ Then I realise he is being sarcastic. I stop paddling. Not that he notices. Our speed remains the same. We head towards some rapids. ‘Ahhhh rapids.’

‘Why are you worried?’ John says still paddling.

‘Because it might overturn. I might smash my head on a rock and drown.’

‘They aren’t even rapids.

He’s right they are more like the little waves you make when you get in the bath. We ripple through them.

And then we see them. Three dolphins start dancing around our boat. I have never been this close to a dolphin. And for some reason the only thing I can find to say is, ‘Why don’t we eat dolphins?’

‘You’re watching dolphins play five feet away and you’re asking why we don’t eat them? You are unbelievable.’

‘I don’t mean I want to eat them (I’ve been vegetarian now for 8 weeks – kudos please) I just mean that we eat most things in the sea, we eat urchins and ugly stuff like squid. Why not the dolphins?’ Why is there no dolphin nicoise on the menu? Have you ever wondered about that?

John ignores me and keeps paddling after them.

‘If I were a native American I’d be called Canoes with Dolphins,’ I say.

John doesn’t say anything but hazarding a guess, I think he’s thinking his Native American name would be ‘Canoes with idiot’.

I am lying in my sickbed dying of consumption. Or that’s what it feels like. I saw Bright Star yesterday and I think John Keats had nothing on this. Ok, there’s not blood. Yet. But I lean up to hack up sputum and then collapse backwards onto the bed one arm flung out. I just need a billowing white shirt and my consumptive look would be complete. This blogpost is my ode to a nightingale. Ode on an Indian Urn.

Then Alula comes in, climbs on the bed, pokes me in the boob and says ‘mummy your boobies are getting smaller.’ Because what I need when I feel this ill is a small truth-telling child analysing my anatomy.

In my fever(ish) state I start imagining things. For some reason I start imagining that I have a bedside table. It can’t be Alex Skarsgard. It has to be a bedside table. This fever sucks. I want my money back. I start to imagine a beside lamp. Not this fluorescent one that burns my eyeballs and that cuts out so much that Alula now doesn’t even notice just keeps on talking about my small boobs whilst we sit in the pitch dark. I long for these things. I long for them more than Keats longed for Fanny Brawne.

It’s when you’re ill that you miss the luxuries. A bath, a dimmer light, sheets that are crisp and cool and sand-free, a bedside table on which to pile drugs, a tv remote that renders me one push away from Fizz and Molly and Steve and Becky, carpet, hot water, running water I can drink from the tap, a pair of pants that isn’t one of the five, a bra that fits. For god’s sake I’m not even talking luxuries anymore. I’m talking basics.

But mostly I want drawers. And cupboards. I’m not sure why but I find myself agonising over the fact I have no drawers. I miss my laundry cupboard stocked with clean towels and linen. I don’t miss having to make them clean myself though. I miss my wardrobe. I am sick of rooting on the floor and the chairs for clothes. Clothes that have sand ingrained into every stitch. I miss my under the sink cupboard stocked with cif and bleach and things I have forgotten the names of. I miss clean.

My decaying lungs are like the metaphor for how dirty I am. Beat that Keats. I am dirty. Not in that way. I mean filthy. Not in that way. I mean sand, dirt, grease, sweat, filth. It’s everywhere. You sweep it and it comes back meaner, harder, like John McLane. You breathe it in every breath – dust, sand, fumes, pollution. You walk in it – dogshit, cowshit, cockroach shit. You eat it too some of the time (bad, bad food is to be had here more often than you think). It feels like I’d need ten colonics and fifty hours in a Turkish bath with a loofah and an industrial bottle of cif before I ever get clean again. I could put my drying pants inside the house to achieve the Turkish Bath but there is no loofah. There is no cif.

There is no clean in India. So I’m dying of consumption.

‘Alula don’t chase after a boy. Ever.’ I yell after her disappearing back.

‘Why?’ she calls over her shoulder.

‘It’s not ladylike. Always let them chase you.’

She doesn’t listen. She is off tearing after Noah. The thing is Patnem beach is about two kilometres long. Ok, I’m rubbish at distance. Maybe it’s more like half a kilometre. It takes me about 25 minutes to walk end to end. But then it takes me 25 minutes to walk an aisle at Sainsbury’s – especially if it’s the chocolate one. It seems to only take little Noah about three minutes though.

But then, on the fourth lap, with Lula tiring in his wake, they disappear into the twilight. The beach bleaches out in that light and its impossible to see anything. I am not wearing the right outfit to appear on Indian news at ten, tearfully sobbing about my toddler that got washed out to sea by a rogue wave or who decided to play hide and seek down a well. So I get up and start running down the beach calling out for them.

I actually become one of those mothers who grabs passers by and asks them if they’ve seen two small children yay high running past. I’m trying to look casual about it but I think I look panic stricken. I can see them looking at me thinking ‘what kind of a MOTHER are you? You’ve lost TWO children?’

I’m thinking all sorts – I’m thinking Jaws. I’m thinking wild dogs, I’m thinking what I’m going to tell John when I get home in half an hour hysterical and childless.

And then they reappear in the twilight, like two ghosts. Grinning, stained with lolly drips, oblivious to the panic and to the sheen of sweat I am now wearing.

‘No more ice-cream for you!’ I tell her. ‘And don’t chase boys.’

Apparently leaving your knickers out to dry makes you a slut.

In which case the locals must think I’m running a brothel. Where else though are you supposed to put them? If I left them inside to dry our house would turn into a Turkish sauna from the water vapour evaporating off them.

So the knickers stay on the line outside. Which isn’t doing my image any good in the neighbourhood. But that could also have been affected by my household attire. The other day our landlady brought round our freshly laundered clothes and I answered the door in my bikini. It is about 110 degrees in our house during the heat of the day. She’s lucky it was my bikini I was wearing and not my sweat draped birthday suit. So that didn’t help dispel the brothel myth any.

The social norms of Indian vs Western people are about five million light years apart. It’s not just knicker laundering etiquette either. Indian people use the beach in the late afternoon only and they swim, or rather, paddle in their saris. Europeans sit like tandooried, water-injected chickens with skewers up their arses on the beach from sun up till sun down. The other day we saw someone sunbathing topless and I felt as offended as if she had slapped them in my face and told me to squeeze them.

It’s not that I’m becoming a pretend native, like some of the western Hippie contingent (you know – the kind who wear bindis and ankle bracelets with bells on and who change their name to Sita and start chanting in Hindi), or even a real native like Alula is becoming (she picks her nose in public and taking a line from the fishermen at Varkala even took a dump on the beach yesterday) – it’s just I’m starting to see the tension. To feel offended on the local people’s behalf by such things.

Though not enough to bring my knickers inside admittedly. Just enough to tut loudly as I walk past the topless woman and mutter something about it not being Benidorm.

Can I have a carry?

Where is my helicopter what the man gave me?

Can Barbie come to the beach?

Can I have a carry?

I think Sleeping beauty is best because she has a pink dress don’t you?

Will you build a sandcastle with me?

Does that dog want to eat me?

Can I have a carry?

Why did you say bugger mummy?

Why did that man call me a princess?

But I’m not wearing a pink dress, why would he think I’m a princess?

Can I watch Finding Nemo on your ipod mummy?

Is it spicy? Will it make my mouth fizzy?

Why is my hair wet?

What’s a sweaty betty?

Can I have a carry?

Can I eat the prawn’s head?

Is this the fish’s mouth? I want to eat the fish’s mouth.

Can I have a carry?

Why don’t we have a skito pellant net?

I just like my way. Why do I have to do anyone else’s way?

Can I have a carry?

‘I think my daughter goes to nursery with your daughter’, I say.

‘Oh right’, the woman says looking me over, ‘Are you on holiday here?’

‘No we’re travelling and working remotely (well I’m doing the travelling and John’s doing the working but why go into detail?). We’ve rented a house in the village,’ I tell her.

She doesn’t reply but I notice her edge further away from me.

‘So are you here for the season?’ I try again.

The woman looks at me like I’ve just asked if she eats shit for dinner.

‘No. We’ve lived here for six years. We have a house in a REAL Indian village.’

I guess she means as opposed to the Imaginary Indian village that we live in.

‘Away from all the tourists,’ she continues. Subtext: YOU.

‘Oh ok,’ I say but really in my head I’m saying ‘Bitch.’

I turn to John and make a face. My fuckwit alert face. I wade over to him standing in the shallows. ‘About as friendly as a swarm of pirhanas,’ I tell him. ‘She totally snubbed me.’

We glance over at her, now sitting with a coven of other mothers at a beach bar  whilst their naked kids run around re-enacting Lord of the Flies.

‘Have you noticed there are no men? That’s weird right? Where are their partners?’ Are they some sort of species that recreates by itself? Or did they just relegate the male partners to the other end of the beach? Where from tomorrow I’m going to be too.

I tell myself it doesn’t matter and reflect on the fact that I did say I didn’t want anything to do with Notting Hill-ites. Maybe they read my blog. Maybe that’s the reason for the cold shoulder. In which case, tomorrow I can expect a horse’s head in the bed.

But even though John and I laugh, it makes me realise that every paradise is slightly imaginary.

‘You’re running out of things to say,’ John remarks.

‘Yeah,’ I agree. It’s a first for me. For a moment we are stunned into silence.

I think it is because life has simplified itself down to just necessities. I think in single syllables now. Beach. Book. Beer. Mango. Oh wait. That last one is two syllables. And syllable is three. But whatever.

Sue me.

Back to one syllables. See what John means?

I had to piggy back lula to nursery this morning because John left her shoes on the beach yesterday evening. We stopped at the chai shop on the way to buy her some banana bread and me some samosas then I continued on like a pack mule.

I left her playing barefoot in the little play area at nursery, banana bread in hand, as grubby as a termite  and I wandered back down the dusty street, past the cows, through the little village stopping to admire our landlady’s festival sari and for a chat with Chan the tuk tuk driver who yesterday negotiated me all over town to the liquor store, the vegetable market, the general store and the fruit stand cutting me all the best deals. Then I clambered over a few walls and through some backyards and made it back home where I now sit and ponder my next move.

Book? Beach? Beer? Mango?

The only things left to do today are to take back a dvd to Suresh and tell him that the dvd in the packet most certainly wasn’t the titular one and pick up the laundry. Oh and go persuade the cake man to make me a chocolate mousse tart. And then take a tuktuk into town to find some cutlery and some bleach. John has turned into some kind of Aggie cleaning obsessive. Then again he has had more encounters of the close kind with our six legged nuclear-armoured little friends than I have.

I can’t believe this is my life. It is heaven. And a husband who cooks and cleans on top of it all.

So…book? Beach? Beer? Mango?