I have just been to a tattoo parlour in Mumbai. Not just any old tattoo parlour- ‘Al’s tattoo and cappuccino parlour’. I got a tattoo done. Of a bald eagle on my right shoulder blade with the words ‘don’t worry about a thing’ underneath. Are you kidding? Of course I didn’t get a tattoo. An …
Fois, fois, fois… hmmmm I know that. I know that one… No. It’s gone. Agneau… I know this one. ‘That’s lamb…’ I say with the confidence of someone who got an A* for GCSE French back in 1994. ‘Ok,great, great,’ the American says, peeling his menu out of my hands, ‘I’ll go with the lamb.’ …
‘I want a magazine!’ She demands as soon as we swish through the doors of Sainsburys. I push on past the cbeebies magazines with their cellophaned child magnet landfill toys. ‘I want a lemon,’ she says next pointing at the melons. ‘I want moreganix!,’ she says whilst trying to grab six pink packets of Organix in her arms as …
I am, according to the man whose penis I grabbed, ‘immensely enlightening’. He wasn’t referring to my genital grabbing technique, though perhaps he was, in secret code that I failed to pick up on at the time. Perhaps he found Nirvana in those few seconds I honked his bits whilst trying to break my fall. In …
So the yellow tabarded ones who announce your train is late and who never know why are on patrol. In amongst the heaving rush hour crowd one man dares step over the yellow line. It causes more outrage than a Guantanamo inmate escaping the barbed wire fence and crossing into Cuba. ‘Get back behind the …
‘You’re not stepping off the escalator Sarah.’ ‘I’m not?’ ‘No, you’re jumping off a cliff.’ ‘Oh.’ That doesn’t sound like something I want to be doing. But I don’t want the panic to show on my face so I reach for my glass and laugh loudly whilst swigging back the contents in two gulps. I’m …
‘When I look at a cow I just want to eat it.’ ‘When I look at a cow I see a cow,’ John says looking at me weirdly. ‘But when I look at a vegetable patch I just see dirt. I think this means I am a carnivore. Nature made me this way. I can’t …
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