I’m struggling to write this post for two reasons. One –  I don’t want to appear like I’m gloating and smug. Ok only one reason, you know me well enough now to know that I don’t really care if I look smug. The real reason I’m struggling is because I’m so relaxed that it is taking a superhuman effort to lift my fingers the three milimeters necessary to get them off the keyboard and to then press them down. There’s a mosquito munching at my leg and I can’t even move to swat it. My brain is so mush it is practically dribbling. If a coconut fell out of the tree above me and conked me on the head I doubt it would register.

Goa is so chilled it’s like it’s absorbed all the weed smoked and exhaled into the atmosphere over the last 40 years and is thoroughly and completely monged. Whited out.

That’s just this particular stretch of beach though. When we took a tuktuk yesterday to Palolem I thought maybe we’d detoured to Faliraki. It was vile. We went running to the nearest taxi driver and threw our rupees at him like he was Charon and we needed a boatride out of hell.

There are five of us staying here together.  An Indian Canadian guy, a beautiful French girl, an amazing African American writer, Pooja and me. We are joking that Pooja is Anglina frickin Jolie collecting a smorgasbord of rainbow people around her. She I think is wondering in that case where Brad Pitt is.

So we’ve established this is heaven. A monged out utterly lovely version of heaven. There is only one thing that depresses me about being here. The amount of perfect yoga bodies on the beach. They should make me want to sprint to the nearest ashram and get into dog pose for the next decade until I too look like that but all they’re actually making me do is crawl into the nearest hammock and order another beer and a chocolate brownie.  From Arun our waiter. Who I just have to wave my hand at and who comes running. Husbands don’t do that. I spy a gap in the market.

I made it to Harmonic today – an eco-retreat on the hill looking out over the ocean. The hill part had been putting me off until now. I looked at the yoga class list and then booked in for a massage. Which could go part way to explaining my catatonic state now.  And the lack of yoga body.