Our lovely housemate who is staying a few weeks comes into the kitchen one morning and asks:

‘What time does Bintang open?’ (Bintang being the local supermarket on a par with Lidl).

‘8 I think,’ John says, ‘But if you need anything for breakfast just help yourself.’

‘I need butt lube,’ she says.

‘Right,’ says John beating a hasty retreat.

‘They sell butt lube in Bintang?’ I ask.

‘Well vegetable margarine,’ she says.

‘You use vegetable margarine? Urgh.’ I say.

‘It’s better for you than petroleum based gels,’ she says.

I nod silently because there’s one thing that our housemate knows and that is butts and putting things inside them.

She is a world-renowned colonic irrigator.

And she’s trying to get me to cleanse and irrigate. And by cleanse we mean raw juice 3 times a day and by irrigate we mean a hose stuck up my bum.

Ubud is the kind of place where people accost her on the street and start begging her for appointments and I just stand there wondering how embarrassing that must be having a stranger who’s on intimate terms with your anus stand and chat to you whilst the traffic honks.  But it would seem that it’s only me who has such issues and who’s squeamish about having vegetable margarine slathered on my butt and a tube pushed up there. It seems that most of the rest of Ubud wash out their butts as often as I wash my hands.

Everyone tells me it’s really good. That you drop eight pounds in half an hour. That you feel like a light being once it’s over. And really I must, must, must try it.

Yeah.

Isn’t that the same feeling you get after drinking 10 shots of tequila? Apart from maybe the eight pounds.

And then how would I be able to spread flora on my toast and sit down to breakfast with my housemate ever again?

 

 

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8 thoughts on “stick it up your bunghole

  1. Suki says:

    Flora? Toast? Not on the menu love
    x

  2. Jo Wilkie de Rosal says:

    well I am the other side of the world but the free market in new age and established therapies are in abundance here in Antigua Guatemala where I live with my 3 nippers under 6. We even have an Israeli who calls himself a LOVE therapist. really not quite sure what he is up to!

    I met him in a bar one night after someone had bought me a couple of espresso martinis and I started singing ……… I´m just a gigolo la la lal la la la. He got quite offended of course. But apparently his girlfriend (who is from Bristol) sticks hoses up your arse and makes jewellery so you can have the full monty.

    1. boublog says:

      we should have a contest to see which place is more whack. do you have any theta balancers? On Thursday I’m going to laughing yoga.

  3. Jo Wilkie de Rosal says:

    Yoga stresses me out ……….. intrigued to hear about just how much you laugh. Maybe a sneaky one up your sleeve?

  4. Andy Pag says:

    I went to so many restaurants in India that provide exactly the same service free of charge. Often the wait is as little as 8 hours.

    I’m going to try to set myself up as a Ray-key master. Need to look up the proper spelling for the flyers, but all you have to do is hold peoples necks for 20 minutes while they close their eyes (and I can play Snake on my phone) and then talk about their energy being really misaligned and how they need at least a dozen more $50 sessions.

    1. boublog says:

      heheehehehehe.

  5. Meg says:

    You manifested this into your reality dear Sarah! See you on the just delivered colonics table soon? PS-feel free to include links to my clinic in future ass related blogs. You may even want to approach the margarine companies for blog-sponsorship? There are so many ways to capiltalize on fecal matter. Endless really.

    1. boublog says:

      UBUD HOLISTIC for colonic irrigation. UBUD HOLISTIC. UBUD HOLISTIC. http://www.ubudholistic.com (am going to the margarine companies now for sponsorship. Perhaps you could offer to wear their logo on your aprons? brand it on the pipes?) xx

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