Something has happened to me.

Something truly quite shocking.

It’s like good kids who get sent to Feltham and come out knife wielding crack addicted nutjobs.

I am that kid. And Ubud is my Feltham. And after four weeks I’ve changed.

I think I’m a nutjob. Just not a knife-wielding crack addicted one.

I have not drunk a sip of alcohol in about 16 days.

I actually bought a raw passion fruit pie. Then went back and bought two more and ate them both in the car. Did you see that little word RAW. That means uncooked, pure, organic, NO SUGAR.

I have given up caffeine.

I have given up sugar. Which means Oreo cookies, cake, jam and ice-cream are all off the menu.

I have given up cleaning.

Oh you knew that already.

I have bought a juicer and actually use it. Twice a day.  (when you no longer need to wash it up it makes life easier).

I eat salad once a day.

I eat on average one papaya and one watermelon every day (because it’s cut up for me).

I am very regular.

I swim almost daily.

I drink 3 litres of water a day.

Did I mention the no alcohol?

And finally. The other day I went chanting.

C – H- A – N- T- I- N- G

As in singing nonsense words in a room of a hundred people. Just for larks.

I keep saying yes to everything.

Tomorrow a friend is coming around to hold a ‘séance where we call on the goddesses and invite abundance into our lives.’

I was like yeah that sounds like fun.

WTF is happening to me?

Can I be rehabilitated before it’s too late? Before I book myself in for a colonic. Before I start wearing skirts with bells on and staring vacantly through people (because I’m all about the aura now) whilst smiling beatifically and talking earnestly about the benefits of a raw food diet and how after I surrendered to the goddess sarawasti she manifested herself to me in a dream and from that I drew my latest creative endeavour.

Because people really are like that here.

If I ever stop using this space to write generalising,  sharp tongued, piss taking anecdotes about living here – if I ever start preaching at you about chanting or colonics or organic living, if I ever remove the tongue from my cheek and become like, nice, please please feel free to block me, spam me, unlink from me and send abusive comments.

Please feel free to come to Ubud and pour half a litre of Absolut down my throat.