What is that?

It’s a rose quartz. It’s to help clear my sacral chakra.

Oh.

I need to use it when I meditate.

OK.

Now, I bet every penny in my bank account (which isn’t very much just in case you were thinking of taking me up on that bet) that you’re reading that thinking I’m the one saying Oh and OK whilst silently screaming ‘oh jesus…I’m trapped talking to a freaky bliss ninny’ and glancing surreptitiously sideways for the exits.

Well you’re wrong. I’m the one holding the rose quartz.

I gave you a few stunned seconds to absorb that. For the last two weeks I’ve been embracing the esoteric in an effort to finally kick the back pain caused by two herniated discs into submission. Rather than take the Max Mosley route I have undertaken the following:

– three sessions with an amazing energy worker / osteopath

– watsu

– pilates

– chakra cleansing (yeah you heard me right)

– a pedicure (does that count?)

The pedicure was done with a cheese grater – and the pain it caused momentarily distracted me from the pain in my back. So in that respect it worked.

The three sessions with the energy worker were the equivalent of taking a hit on a bong the size of Denpasar. I was floaty good for hours after. Needless to say I think I’ve developed a dependency issue on the man doing the treatment and am worried that my body subconsciously will refuse to heal because that will mean no more floaty good. Kind of like how people get addicted to pain relief.

The Watsu – let me explain – you get in a giant Jacuzzi shaped pool wearing only a bikini and a man spins you around. It’s rather like how I imagine a piece of lettuce in a salad spinner feels, or an old sock stuck on a warm wash delicate cycle. If you were going all Ubud about it, you could describe it as a ‘symbiotic relationship resonant of floating in the warmth and safety of the womb of the universe.’

I kind of squirmed mentally at the idea of being in a womb but I did like the idea of being in space. It was a bit like floating in space. If space were warm and didn’t make your eyeballs explode that is. It was strange and alarming and evocative and at the end I felt seasick and collapsed heaving against the side before sinking to the bottom and letting out a scream. Very primal of me.

The English in me was very embarrassed about the primal in me and apologized to the lovely man who’d been swirling me for an hour. He told me that some people did all sorts of crazy. I was quite tame by comparison apparently. Meeting him in a social setting will be somewhat awkward though I imagine. ‘Hello, remember me? I screamed in your swimming pool and almost threw up on you. Remember?’

Pilates – I’ve been doing this for a year now and I have to say I’m loving it. More for the endless gossiping I get to do than for the astonishing realization that I have pelvic floor muscles and can squeeze them on demand – though put away your ping pong balls – I’m not that advanced.

And finally with the chakra cleansing – which was part of a birthday present – and also meant I could check off ‘start meditating’ on my list of things to do in 2011. So I’ve been meditating every day now for COUNT – three days – 3 whole days – admittedly not all day but always whilst clutching my rose quartz stone and imagining I’m sitting in a ray of golden light. Ergo, this should mean I’m fully enlightened by now. However in the car earlier dealing with the usual numpty-headed muppets on the roads of Bali Alula turned to me and said, ‘mummy why are you calling that man a wanker?’

Not quite so enlightened then. But Deepak does say it will take 21 days.

And as for the herniated discs. They’re still herniated.