Fois, fois, fois… hmmmm I know that. I know that one… No. It’s gone. Agneau… I know this one. ‘That’s lamb…’ I say with the confidence of someone who got an A* for GCSE French back in 1994. ‘Ok,great, great,’ the American says, peeling his menu out of my hands, ‘I’ll go with the lamb.’ …
There’s a smile splitting my face in two at 7.30 in the morning despite my epic hangover. Let’s analyse why. I don’t have to get up for work. Don’t look for number 2. There is no 2. I don’t have to get up for work EVER again. Shhhhh don’t interrupt my joy with questions like …
‘I want a magazine!’ She demands as soon as we swish through the doors of Sainsburys. I push on past the cbeebies magazines with their cellophaned child magnet landfill toys. ‘I want a lemon,’ she says next pointing at the melons. ‘I want moreganix!,’ she says whilst trying to grab six pink packets of Organix in her arms as …
Opposite me are six men in suits. They are grey and weary and joyless. Having said that, I am pretty joyless right now too. I wish they would stop holding these conferences on high floors. It’s just tempting fate. Either I’m going to jump or I’m going to push someone. Though, as it’s a voluntary …
I am, according to the man whose penis I grabbed, ‘immensely enlightening’. He wasn’t referring to my genital grabbing technique, though perhaps he was, in secret code that I failed to pick up on at the time. Perhaps he found Nirvana in those few seconds I honked his bits whilst trying to break my fall. In …
I am crossing Hungerford Bridge with my best friend Nichola. We are intellectually critiquing a film we have just seen. ‘He is seriously buff.’ ‘Yes seriously. I think though it might be illegal in some parts of America for us to fancy him.’ We are locked into a discussion on the finer details of Jacob’s twelve pack …
I am going to be drawing some parallels now between myself and Diane Kruger because I look just like her. So get ready. We just watched this film called ‘Anything for her’ (spoiler alert!). In it Diane is accused of killing her boss and sentenced to 20 years in a prison where the hallogen strip lighting …
Right that’s it. We can never come back. And not just because we’ve rented the house indefinitely and gone and resigned. Nor because the tories are about to come to power and I am standing on principle (because lets face it I don’t have many of those). No. We can’t come back because Lula in …
So the yellow tabarded ones who announce your train is late and who never know why are on patrol. In amongst the heaving rush hour crowd one man dares step over the yellow line. It causes more outrage than a Guantanamo inmate escaping the barbed wire fence and crossing into Cuba. ‘Get back behind the …
I have just met someone and am explaining to them about this little adventure. ‘I’m going with my family around the world.’ ‘Oh wow – that’s amazing. Are your parents retired?’ ‘Huh?’ ‘Your parents – are they retired?’ ‘Er…’ I’m thinking why is she asking me about my parents and their employment status? Talk about …
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