Two days ago I was walking along the street, slipped on some cobbles and reaching out to steady myself, grabbed hold of a man’s penis. It’s been two days and I can still feel the giggle bubbles of hysteria breaking over me every time I think about it. It gets better though. After grabbing his …
‘They’re moving into our house so you can buy me percy pigs.’ I love Lula’s mind – her reductive view of the world. I wish life was really that simple. I wish I could spend £1300 a month on percy pigs but that wouldn’t simplify things it would only complicate them – I’d be unable …
Note that rabid animals may pose a risk. Quite why I have decided to read the health, risks and annoyances section of the Lonely Planet guide to India is unclear, given that we’ve already resigned and forked out several thousand pounds on tickets, it’s all a little too late. I should just have skipped straight …
If I had a bullet and a gun right now I’d kill myself Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m definitely going to kill myself I am sending texts to my work husband. People are walking between the tables like prison guards at The Maze and I’m half expecting a baton to come crashing down on my illicitly texting hand. …
‘You’re not stepping off the escalator Sarah.’ ‘I’m not?’ ‘No, you’re jumping off a cliff.’ ‘Oh.’ That doesn’t sound like something I want to be doing. But I don’t want the panic to show on my face so I reach for my glass and laugh loudly whilst swigging back the contents in two gulps. I’m …
The photographer from the Guardian came to take our photo. Lula wore her pink princess dress. With wings. Technically making it a fairy dress I guess. She was supposed to take centre stage, with John and I vying with each other to hide behind her wings, well out of sight and hopefully too blurry for the bank manager …
‘When I look at a cow I just want to eat it.’ ‘When I look at a cow I see a cow,’ John says looking at me weirdly. ‘But when I look at a vegetable patch I just see dirt. I think this means I am a carnivore. Nature made me this way. I can’t …
I was talking the other day in a post about the sense of community we’re finding just as we leave – remember the jazz dancing neighbours spinning off lamp posts and the pimping out I’m doing of John? – in a similar way, just as I resign and prepare to bugger off for a rather …
I can’t tell you who he is but lets just say he’s very well known in the land of tv (behind the camera not in front) and is a wonderfully charming and interesting man. Conversations with him tend to start with me shrieking like a Robert Pattinson girlfan and demanding he give me answers to …
We are standing frozen with a box that is roughly the size of a small dining table held between us. The box is also roughly the size of a Winnie the Pooh aeroplane that makes taking off sounds and engine in trouble sounds (that’s the jingle actually) and lets you store your hairclips and teddies …
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