‘I know what you need,’ Suki says when I tell her I feel really crappy.

Steak. I am thinking I need steak. When I woke up this morning that was the first thing that popped into my head. I WANT STEAK. In the same way that most people wake up and go ‘oooh I fancy a coffee and some cornflakes.’

But Suki begs to differ. She thinks what I need is a hose pipe slathered in lard stuck up my butt and fifty gallons of water hosed up my colon.

Ok. We clearly have different understanding of my body’s needs. I’m hearing steak. She’s hearing lard. And clearly we have different ideas of what constitutes a pleasurable experience. Starting with which orifice should be involved.

But somehow, and please, don’t ask me how, because I’m still thinking that maybe this happened in an alternate universe, I actually agreed.

Partly I think it was curiosity (admit it – you’re curious right as to what it might feel like?), partly it was with this blog post in mind (see the things I DO for you? Are you grateful? You better be) and then mainly it was down to the fact that I heard someone mention you can lose up to eight pounds in one sitting. As in over half a stone just in fetid fecal matter. You know you’d do it too so don’t go all ick on me.

I’m not going to go into detail. I’ll spare both you and myself the remembrance. It wasn’t pleasant. It’s kind of strange to lie on a table whilst your good friend inspects your poo and you lie there and chat about boys and shopping. And then Alula walked in and wanted to know what on earth was going on and where was the hose going exactly mummy and why?

Why? It’s a good question. And at the time I think I screeched something about tummy massages but actually I do now have an answer. I do feel better. I feel lighter – roughly eight pound lighter in fact. Less tired. Less groggy. Stomach practically concave, complexion bright and sparkly, thighs definitely thinner. Obviously one colonic and I am now a supermodel. Curiosity is also fully sated. As in fully.

But it has to be said, I am still craving steak.